How to Stall a Child's Emotional Development in 3 Easy Steps
By Mica Gonzalez, PhD
Everyone wants their children to develop emotionally so that they are prepared to endure and overcome life’s inevitable trials, but sometimes parents’ actions hinder the fulfillment of that very wish. We explored one of the likely sources of this contradiction in a recent post on the repetition compulsion. Today we’ll look at three common steps that parents may unwittingly take to freeze their little kids’ emotional intelligence:
- Reject or minimize the child’s feelings
- Fail to provide comfort when the child is upset
- Have a conflictual spousal/partner relationship.
Fiona’s Gone and Daddy Forgot
“Kenny had a hard time today,” says the new preschool teacher to Hank, the boy’s father. “I think he’s missing Fiona and needs more time to get used to me.” The 4-year-old has been more emotional since Fiona--his favorite teacher--took another job and said goodbye last week. At pickup he’s whiny and rejecting towards Hank. Getting in the car, Hank asks, with noticeable frustration, “What’s the big deal, buddy? You’ve been crying me a river since Monday.”
[Kenny]: (Hangs his head lower and cries loudly.)
[Hank]: “You gotta get over this, dude. You have a new teacher now. Fiona took a job at that uppity place on 3rd St. She’s probably laughing all the way to the bank.”
At home Kenny finds solace in his Legos. He’s sullen but his mind is occupied for the moment. Hank sits on the couch nearby and scrolls through the headlines on his phone. A moment later Kenny’s mother, Simone, walks in the door and, with an expression halfway between surprise and rage, shouts at Hank, “What are you doing?! We have my work dinner tonight!”
[Hank]: “Shit! That stupid dinner.” (Kenny looks up, bright-eyed and confused.”)
[Simone]: “You were supposed to drop Kenny off at the sitter’s.”
[Hank]: “I know, I know. I got all distracted. Kenny’s teacher was bitching to me about him ‘being emotional’ since Fiona left, and then he was all whiny. It threw me off.” (To Kenny) “Hurry up! We gotta go.” (Kenny stays frozen.)
[Simone]: “Don’t blame it on her! It’s not the teacher who’s supposed to take him to the sitter. I even texted you a reminder this morning.”
[Hank]: (Shouting) “Calm down. We’re going already!“ (Kenny throws his Legos to the ground and starts to cry.) “Jesus! Again? Come on.” (Hank grabs Kenny by the wrist and walks out the door.) “Let’s get the damned thing over with.” (The family hurriedly piles into the car and takes off.)
"Such interactions teach Kenny that some of his most important feelings don’t matter, that they may irritate or even enrage his father. With repetition, the child may learn that he must hide parts of himself in order for them to survive. "
What can we learn from this uncomfortable, yet familiar, story? In what ways are Hank and Simone missing the social-emotional boat with Kenny? The first thing that stands out to me is Hank’s denying his son’s feelings during pickup at preschool (Step 1). For whatever reason, Hank would not accept that Kenny was going through a rough patch in response to his favorite teacher’s departure, even after the new teacher clued him in. Dad also seems to miss the mark by talking to Kenny as if the child were older and understood words like “uppity” and expressions like “laughing all the way to the bank.” Such interactions teach Kenny that some of his most important feelings don’t matter, that they may irritate or even enrage his father. With repetition, the child may learn that he must hide parts of himself in order for them to survive.
Another cost of denying Kenny’s feelings is missing the opportunity to comfort him (Step 2). Although dad clearly showed more anger and upset towards Kenny, mom, too, was unable to take the child’s experience into account as she focused solely on Hank’s screwup. Neither parent was able to help the child negotiate his experience of losing his beloved teacher. Over time this puts at risk Kenny’s own ability to comfort himself when he’s distressed, leading to various difficulties including increased tantrums, physical acting out, and problems tolerating everyday disappointments.
Last but not least, Kenny may learn that his parents’ anger towards each other is so all-consuming that he falls out of their minds, a disorienting and sometimes frightening experience for a 4-year-old (Step 3). Another possibility is that Henry comes to blame himself for these quarrels because his parents explicitly implicate him and/or because he merely experiences the typical anxieties and attribution errors of the early years. To add insult to injury, Kenny may not be able to communicate these burdens to his parents, further limiting his chances of getting basic help.
Together, denying feelings, failing to provide comfort, and fighting with one’s partner prepare a child for for a future of limited relationship skills, low self-esteem, and poor behavioral self-control.
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From Thorns to Roses
So now that I’ve painted a fairly dark picture, allow me to sprinkle on some brighter hues. The good news is that Hank and Simone have many options for navigating these inevitable and thorny periods of family life. If we flip the three parenting mistakes on their heads, then we get some legitimately useful techniques:
- Accept your child’s feelings as they are
- Provide emotional comfort to your child when needed
- Invest in a strong, loving spousal or co-parenting relationship
To these I would add another:
4. Repair, repair, repair!
Looking at the first three, let’s rewind to see how the interaction might unfold differently:
[Hank]: (After listening to the new teacher’s report on Kenny) “Hey, K. You feeling sad because you miss Teacher Fiona?”
[Kenny]: (Looks at his dad with tears in his eyes) “Where did she go?”
[Hank]: “She got another job. She’s teaching other kids not too far away from here.” (Picks Kenny up and holds him.) “I got an idea.”
[Kenny]: “What?”
[Hank]: “How about when we get home you draw a picture for her, and I’ll find out her new address so we can mail it to her? Maybe you could draw a picture of your favorite Legos for her.
[Kenny]: “Yeah! No, no Legos. I can draw a flower for her. She likes roses.
[Hank]: “Great idea! Let’s go.”
At home:
[Simone]: “What happened? Did you forget about the dinner?”
[Hank]: “Shit! (Looks at Kenny) “Ear muffs, buddy. (Looks back at Simone) “I’m so sorry I forgot. We can still make it. Come on, K. We got a new mission. You have to draw THREE roses for Ms. Fiona when you get to the sitter’s. Got it?
[Kenny]: (Scrambling to get some colors and paper) “OK.”
[Simone]: “OK, let’s go quick! Kenny, fast hug time. (They hug quickly, pile into the car, and take off.)
"If we flip the three parenting mistakes on their heads, then we get some legitimately useful techniques."
Yeah, I’ll admit that the revised version is a little idealized. Just take it as one possible explication of the three techniques. Perhaps more realistically, if we just stick with the first scenario, then making reparations would be Hank and Simone’s first priority with each other and with Kenny. This alone is a powerful social-emotional tool.
One common feature of psychoanalytic theories of early life (and developmental theories in general) is the idea that young children internalize what their parents teach them, including both intentional and unintentional lessons. Children use these internalizations to formulate a sense of self and relate to others. Hank and Simone will boost their son’s emotional IQ and help him develop strong relationship skills when they have a better understanding of their unintentional lessons and strive to make changes. These four revised techniques are a starting point for reaching such a goal.
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