Why Your Child Gets Scared and How to Respond

This is one of my favorite secrets to share with parents. It’s this weird thing that no one seems to know about but can have such a profound impact on family life. Why do well-adjusted, well-loved kids seem like such scaredy-cats sometimes? The short answer is, they’re supposed to. That is, getting scared helps them stay close to protective people. This is good evolution, folks, where babies survive because they have at least one tool for staying safe.

 

The Fearsome Foursome

But the story is much more interesting than, “Because of evolution. Duh!” As a child rounds out the first year of life, some powerful fears naturally arise. In her classic, The Emotional Life of the Toddler, psychologist Alicia Lieberman lists four normal fears:

1. Fear of losing the parent to death
2. Fear of losing the parent’s love
3. Fear of bodily damage
4. Fear of doing wrong

It’s no coincidence that these fears emerge when they do. All four are by-products of developing a sense of self that is separate from the primary caregivers. Let’s take fear of the parent’s death as an example. Once you realize that there is a separate person who tends to your every need, including safety, then you also realize that she can be lost in a way that feels permanent (i.e., death). For a new toddler THIS IS TERRIFYING, so terrifying that the child must use her primitive mental coping mechanisms to keep it out of her mind and not think about it too much. But no defense works perfectly, especially for youngsters. Fear inevitably breaks through into the child’s conscious mind as she experiences some normal, yet triggering, life events such as dad’s getting sick and having to go to the doctor.

"Once you realize that there is a separate person who tends to your every need, including safety, then you also realize that she can be lost in a way that feels permanent (i.e., death)."

What follows may look like typical toddler irrationality: clinginess, tantrums, tears, etc. But there may actually be a logic to all this. That is, the toddler may be losing control of herself--compared to normal--because she’s afraid daddy might die from his sickness, or even his visit to the doctor. These sorts of miscalculations happen all the time with the little ones.

So, given that we don’t always know what our children are thinking, how do we balance the equation?

 

The Holy Trinity: Validation, Explanation, and Reassurance

Validation is one of those therapisty words that conjures up images of fussy parents indulging their child in excessive talk about feelings. Yet it’s a critical tool for developing a child’s emotional intelligence. So what exactly is validation? Simply put, it’s showing the child that what’s happening inside her (i.e., her thoughts and feelings) is acceptable and matters to you. Validation is not approval of poor behavior. It’s a starting point for making things right for both you and your child.

Continuing with our “near-death daddy” example, let’s see what mom says to her daughter in between meltdowns:  “You have lots of big feelings today. Maybe you’re worried about your daddy because he’s sick. I know it can feel scary when you see daddy coughing and sleeping all the time.”

"Explanation of the things that send your child to Loonytown can be a helpful way of reducing her fears and anxieties."

These situations are usually complicated by the toddler’s minimal language skills. But toddlers understand language a lot more than they speak it. Explanation of the things that send your child to Loonytown can be a helpful way of reducing her fears and anxieties. For example, a parent could explain daddy’s sickness:  “Daddy’s body doesn’t feel good now, so he’s going to the doctor so that he can get some medicine to help him feel better. Remember when you were sick? We gave you some medicine so that your body didn’t hurt or feel so hot.”

Reassurance is usually one the easiest things for parents because we all want our kids to feel better when they’re upset. The problem is we often skip validating and explaining and jump right to reassurance. Usually the result is that the child is less able to take in the parents’ attempt to provide understanding. With the universal fears in mind, a parent can enhance her reassurance by saying something like, “The doctor is taking good care of daddy. He is safe and will be home soon.”

Young children are easily scared, and their fear often gets overlooked. Parents who see the connection between a child’s developmentally-typical fear and difficult behavior are often able to respond to their child in a way that lightens the load for everyone. Give validation, explanation, and reassurance a try when the time feels right and always in measured doses.