Sometimes You Need to Be Aggressive with Your Kids
Aggression gets a bad wrap. Among civilized adults, it’s one of those words that readily elicits discomfort or even condemnation, something you’re not supposed to feel, much less express, save for a few areas (e.g., competition, self-defense, war, etc.). This apparent truism seems even truer when we talk about aggression directed towards children. And the numbers only add to the argument. According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, in 2014 there were an estimated 702,000 victims of child maltreatment (abuse and/or neglect), leading to nearly 1,600 deaths. Even sadder is that young children were the most likely to be harmed or killed.
So then where do I get off saying that parents sometimes need to be aggressive with their little ones? What could the benefits possibly be? Let me explain.
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A New Way of Looking at Parental Aggression
I think most of us fail to see how frequently we act on our own aggressive tendencies over the course of a day, especially with our kids. Many of our daily interactions in the early years of parenting involve confrontational acts, however mild they may be. These micro-aggressive moments are as important for the child’s development as they are common because, among other reasons, they remind young children that their protectors are strong but not frightening. Check out the image below.
The top of the pyramid represents the kind of aggression that is synonymous with the maltreatment mentioned above. It's abusive, plan and simple. Let me be clear: That is NOT what I’m saying is necessary. Much of the need for psychotherapy in early childhood is a result of child maltreatment because of the lasting damage it does to children and families. I'll take up the question of corporeal punishment (e.g., spanking) in a future post, but for now let's say it fits into either the top or middle section of the graphic, depending on the context and severity of the punishment. In my experience, parents who are sufficiently supported and secure more frequently rely on assertive strategies, which further protect from escalating conflict and aggression.
"These micro-aggressive moments are as important for the child’s development as they are common because, among other reasons, they remind young children that their protectors are strong but not frightening."
The middle section includes behaviors that most parents show at one time or another, often when they feel inundated with powerful emotions such as rage, fear, or humiliation. Many end up feeling regret or shame after the fact and make amends, but some see tactics like withholding affection for extended periods as a fair and effective response to a child’s misbehavior. And still others have limited awareness of when they move between the bottom and middle sections. These parents often have difficulty measuring the impact of their aggression on their kids.
The base of the pyramid is what is helpful to children. I’ll admit that, at first glance, the idea of maintaining a routine doesn’t exactly reek of violence. But when we flesh this out and imagine young children’s resistance to bedtime (especially when it means giving up a captivating activity), it’s not a stretch to say that’s when parents start to flex a little muscle. I see that as a necessary aggression even though it can manifest as a gentle act.
Let’s take a closer look at some of the examples from the bottom of the pyramid.
The Wisdom of Parental Strength
“You can do it!” This sort of praise conjures up images of corny but encouraging parents gently pushing their kids to take a risk, like when a baby is on the verge of taking her first steps. It might be hard to hold that image in mind--the parents with their goofy, exaggerated happy faces and outstretched arms--and think that there’s anything aggressive about the moment. On the contrary, the parent has to be aggressive enough to believe in her child’s abilities before the child can herself. She has to help her child confront her fears and say, “F$%# it, I’m taking this step!” There is no shortage of examples of this sort of wise confrontation. Parents draw on the same inner source to be able to have a clean goodbye with their child on the first day of preschool, to say no to their kindergartener's outlandish requests, and to gracefully yank the bead out of their toddler’s mouth as she goes for the late morning aperitif on the neighbor’s unswept floor.
"She has to help her child confront her fears and say, 'F$%# it, I’m taking this step!'”
Appropriate parental aggression often has a little weight behind it, like when a father's tone of voice begins to morph after telling his child for the third time to turn off the TV and get in the bath. Subtle gradations in tone teach children about adults' states of mind and the relative importance of the communication. These are vital social-emotional skills. Parents and caregivers who experienced too much harm in their own childhoods often feel that they only have two choices with respect to aggression: too much or too little. But when parents practice self-reflection they may be more able to use assertive rather than punitive or harsh strategies and in doing so help their children internalize the idea that there is a broad spectrum between the extremes of "Daddy is calm and nice" and "Daddy scares and hurts me." And this is one of the hallmarks of mental health in the early years.
